Nachos in the Big Apple – Mercury Bar

Check it out!  My brother out in NYC has contributed a guest review! 

 

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After reading my bro’s humorous but painfully acute reviews on nachos throughout the Bay Area  I decided to join him in the search for America’s most popular appetizer (I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it sounded good) and review the  best cheese saturated tortilla treat in none other then New York City.

 

Finding good Mexican food in New York is an adventure unto itself. It’s practically impossible, and if you happen to find it, it’s either a mistake, over-priced, or it won’t be there in a week because it was probably a front for drug smuggling. You have to resort to the common man places. I am, of course, talking about the good ol’ American sports bar.

 

My buddy, Marcos, called me up one night wanting to go grab a brewsky. I suggested one place and he suggested another, but since it was his idea we had to go to his chosen place. We ended up at Mercury Bar on 9^th, between 44th and 45^th.  What can I say about this place?  Not a whole lot.  “Nice sign”?

 

Don’t get me wrong. If you’re a beer guzzling, muscle head, sports jock with matching Abercrombie hat and t-shirt (complete with thermal), this might be your place. If you like 3^rd grade-level conversation over loud (really loud) music, then this might be your place (I think I still have the song “Wake Me Up” ringing through my ears).  This is a sports bar in heat! There are more flat screen TVs in here then the headquarters at NBC.

 

Before I start slamming these nachos let me just put a disclaimer in here that Mercury Bar doesn’t claim to have the best nachos, nor the best bar, nor the best anything for that matter. But I have to admit that just a little bit of effort isn’t bad. Like when I choose my women, you don’t have to be drop-dead gorgeous you just have to give me a little  passion and I’m sold. Just take what God gave ya, add some finesse, and you’re golden.

 

So, the nachos – they have the ingredients, they have the technology, they can rebuild these nachos.

 

The cheese and chips were presented like a burn victim from a house fire.  Depends on your preferences, but this didn’t bother me, however it did create a problem – if you grab one chip, ten more are more likely to hold on, sort of like the aforementioned burn victim clinging to life.  The condiments came on the side in small metal ramekins. I prefer all the “stuff” right on the nachos, but hey, that’s just me.  I asked for chicken as well. Do you see any chicken in there? Turns out there is but ya gotta go digging for it.  

 

I was so close to giving Mercury Bar and their sorry ass excuse for nachos a half a star when lo and behold, I saw something that made my heart flutter and my eyes tear up. Is it true? No, it couldn’t be! A trick? Upon dipping my chip into the guacamole, a big, fat piece of avocado stuck to the bottom  made it’s presence known to me and this could only mean one thing! Mercury Bar makes their own guacamole! Ah, my old friend, guacamole…

 

To meet the cheap-assed demands of today’s consumers, highly mass-produced food has taken precedence. Chances are those scrambled eggs you eat at a diner are from a bag.  And that “fresh” salsa they claim to be all-natural?  It’s from a can. With guacamole, it’s no exception – bar owners often go for the ready-made guacamole-in-a-bag. It’s sad, but all-natural is naturally a crock of crap today.  Mercury Bar doesn’t make the best guacamole but at least it’s the real deal.

 

So, there you have it, my first review of nachos in NYC. Too bad I couldn’t start with an A+, but now I have more of a mission ahead of me. I will scour the streets of NYC to find you the best nachos. I will not yield to any man who does nachos a disservice.  I’ll be lurking in the shadows. I’ll be hangin’ out with the Bloods and the Crypts. I will sleep by night and storm NYC by day or rather I will sleep by day and storm NYC by night. I guess that depends on my seasonal mood defective disorder. Oh whatever! I will make my brother proud! Adios amigos!

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Nacho Patrol Checks out Big City’s Mediterranean Nachos

The Nacho Patrol is an awesome group of girls who live in the Boston area and spread nacho love.  Their reviews are full of great observations and wonderful biting sarcasm. 

 

This time around they take on Big City's Mediterranean Nachos.  I lived three or four blocks from Big City when I lived out in Boston and have lots of memories of playing pool there.  I recall having nachos there once, and I don't remember being amazed, however, that was about 10 years ago and things have likely changed a lot. 

 

 

http://nachopatrol.com/2009/09/13/big-citys-mediterranean-nachos-my-not-so-big-fat-greek-inspired-specialty-nacho/

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El Farolito – Nachos for the Recession (3 stars)

El Farolito is located deep in International Boulevard territory, Oakland’s own Mission District.  The area has an honest, unpretentious Latino flavor to it.  It’s the hardscrabble working man’s street, and they aren’t fooled by flash or fancy packaging.  That means honest food.  That means honest nachos.

That can go two ways, though, because there’s a fine line between frugality and just being too-damn-cheap.  El Farolito really rides the razors edge, getting dangerously close to the latter but thankfully for us, mostly being the former.Our nachos showed up on a large plastic plate, and I noticed with more than slight distress that they had piled on the base of chips, beans and cheese on said plate and then warmed them under the broiler that way.  I was about to protest this, but there were no signs that the plate had melted in any way, so we proceeded.  Additionally Farolito’s chips didn’t look house-made, a major detractor.  They were fresh enough, but a bit too thin and not quite suitable for the heavy lifting that top-tier nachos demand.

While waiting for our food, I noticed Farolito had one of the best sticker machines in town, sporting awesome religious stickers.  I wasted no time trading two bucks for quarters and pumping them into the machine with excellent results.

There was an amazing amount of carne asada.  This is a meal for two or more.  All the key ingredients were in evidence – meat, beans, monterey jack cheese, pico de gallo, sour cream, jalapeno.   There was no quacamole, but Farolito gave us a whole half avocado, which Jake made short work of.

How much for all of this?  An amazing $5.50!  $4.50 gets you the same without the meat.  These are definitely recession-priced nachos.  Dare I say, I don’t think it’s even possible to buy this much food at a grocery store for $5.50.

One taste, though, and I knew our mission was hardly over.  The carne asada was salty, and needlessly so, I think.  The meat tasted plenty fresh, so why they loaded it up with salt was a mystery.  And like La Corneta, there was just too much piled on the chips.  It wasn’t long before I was leveraging our chip basket and things got ultra-messy.  I had to go back for extra napkins.  More is not always better.

Farolito doesn’t make the ultimate nachos, but they do deliver an unparalled, honest value, and the girl at the counter was very nice.  They’re open till 11:45 on Fridays and Saturdays, so they might also be right for your late-night post-drink nacho buck.

El Farolito – 3 stars (out of 5)

3646 International Blvd
Oakland, CA 94601
(510) 533-9194

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Don Jose (1.5 stars) The Casa Bonita of Castro Valley

I hooked up with some friends for a hike in Redwood Park and then convinced them to play a round of mini-golf at Golfland in Castro Valley. In doing so we were able to punch two holes in our “stuff white people like” membership cards: “experiencing nature on a limited basis”, and “engaging in a quirky activity usually reserved for people of low incomes”. We even played some ticket games in the arcade and walked out with a Gummi Pizza, some Andes Mints and a Jolly Rancher, mostly due to a well-played and strategically deep round of Deal or No Deal.

Not surprisingly we were weighing the merits of various sustenance ideas as the gummi pizza just wasn’t cutting it. But there was one problem: we were in Castro Valley. The whole main drag is one long strip mall, circa 1983. They still have a mom and pop computer store, a Tropical Fish Store, various Karate places, every fast food franchise ever invented and – good God – Don Jose’s.

“You guys have to see this place!” R explained. “It’s so over the top.” Indeed it was. Imagine a scaled back, Casa Bonita, the crazy mexican restaurant with cliff divers and caves featured in a South Park episode (Note: there’s actually such a place – I’ve been there twice).

The dining room is a faux outdoor mexican village setting decorated for a fiesta. Indoor roofing, terra cotta roof and floor tiles, a cantina bar and wrought iron mission-style double doors complete the effect. If Disneyland’s Jungle Cruise had an attached Mexican Restaurant, if would be Don Jose’s. In fact, I think maybe Don Jose’s is a Casa Bonita disaster-recovery site – in the event the real Casa Bonita is ever struck by a natural disaster or terrorist attack, Don Jose’s will provide limited services until Casa Bonita can affect repairs and resume full operation.

The menu featured two nacho choices – one was pretty standard, and I usually like to start there, but R convinced me to go with their signature nachos: “Nachos Don Jose”. I was reluctant – the only differences I noted were the addition of Ranchera sauce and the use of flour tortilla chips, which didn’t sound remotely appetizing. Still, I acquiesced. Big mistake.

There are so many things wrong with these nachos it’s hard to know where to start. The beans had that “fresh from the can” industrial flavor. As mentioned, instead of corn chips they use flour tortilla chips, which were super oily and left an awful aftertaste. Hey, I’m all for variations on the standard but just being different isn’t enough. It has to actually work.

In place of pico de gallo we got diced tomato and green onion, which sufficed, however for some reason didn’t make the meal taste any fresher. While they looked fresh-chopped, they may well have also come from a can. The Ranchera sauce tasted oddly like Worcestershire sauce.

Everything was glopped on and over-saturated, so we had no choice but to use forks. We ordered them with chicken but no chicken was found, which in retrospect was probably a good thing as every additional ingredient only managed to drag the experience down further.

What floors me the most is someone, maybe even the Don himself, is so proud of these nachos he felt it was worth making them a signature dish.

Among the comments at our table:

“Whoa, these are not good nachos.” (after the first bite).

“This is what people from Nebraska think Mexican food tastes like.”

“I’m not kidding, I feel a little sick.”

“Our waitress looks sort of like Charo.”

(our waitress was very nice, by the way)

Then the cardinal sin was committed. I asked for jalapenos and our waitress brought us some. They actually had the nerve to charge us for them. You read that right: they charge extra for jalapenos on nachos. I’m just speechless. And they weren’t even spicy.

Later that evening I experienced what I believe is the “curse of Don Jose”. I had acid reflux and had to taste and re-taste those awful, oily flour tortilla chips for the rest of the evening.

Summation: Don Jose’s nachos are only for masochists and people from Nebraska.

Don Jose’s – 1.5 stars (out of 5)

3430 Village Drive
Castro Valley, Ca. 94546
(510) 538-3290

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We’re waiting to hear back from the Sundance People

My good friend, Phil, runs an excellent Cachaca blog and mentioned recently that he's working on a short Cachaca documentary that we'll hopefully get to see soon.  That got me thinking and I decided to make a short film of my own. 

The main difference between my film and Phil's is that I threw mine together in about an hour with Windows Movie Maker, which crashed no less than four times during the arduous production.  Weather also played a factor as it got a little chilly in the evening hours and editing was suspended while I looked under the futon for my slippers.

Phil, on the other hand, is putting actual time, resources, thought and all those other silly things into his film. 

What can I say?  At least mine is in time for football season.

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Recipe Number 9 – Mexican Pulled Pork Nachos

A longtime friend invited me to a birthday party for his best girl.  But it wasn’t going to be just any party: a few months back the three of us hit a fundraiser poker tournament for Impact Theater in Berkeley.  We had such a great time they decided to theme her birthday party around a Texas Hold-em poker Tournament. 

 

I considered several gifts.  I always make an effort to consider the person and give a gift that shows a personal touch.  I was at a loss, but then I remembered that they both love good food, and the conclusion was natural: Give the gift of nachos. 

 

The Ultimate Nachos could obviously do the job, yet this was an extra special event – a magnanimous occasion.  Why not try something new?  In poker terms, “why not up the ante?”

 

I did some homework.  I studied several recipes.  I weighed the pros and cons.  It all kept coming back to one thing: Mexican pulled pork.  I settled on this recipe with a few custom variations.  The crockpot was activated and the spices applied.  Ten hours later the aroma hung thick in my apartment.  It was ready to go.  

 

The nacho love just flowed.

 

Good friends, good poker and the ultimate nachos.  It doesn’t get much better than that.

 

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Taco Bell Volcano Nachos (2.5 stars)

Can anyone tell me what sort of food Taco Bell really is? It’s not Mexican food, that’s for sure. It just sort of resembles it. It’s the spray-on tan of Mexican food.  And no other food called “Mexican Food” tastes similar to Taco Bell.  That’s simultaneously a little scary and brilliant.  It differentiates their product – many’s the time I’ve heard someone say, “No, I don’t really want Mexican Food, but I sure could go for some Taco Bell right now!”

I know the stuff is terrible for me but I have to admit the Nachos Belgrande is a guilty pleasure of mine. And they’re just so damn convenient. At 2 AM, already in my flannel PJs, I can hit the drive thru. I don’t even need to change clothes. You read that right, I’ve bought nachos in my pajamas before. And at least right now I have to walk from my apartment to my car, but if I had a house with an attached garage, I might be tempted to not even wear pants. How would I explain things if I was ever pulled over? “Well, officer, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why I’m driving around, naked from the waist down…”

Be assured on this particular night I was fully-clothed.. I just wrapped up a session of pinball at Lucky Ju Ju with friends in Alameda when I suddenly realized I was famished. Pinball can be tired and thirsty work. I thought about what was in the fridge as I set off for home when I saw a huge poster for Taco Bell’s Volcano Nachos and an empty drive-thru lane. That sealed the deal.

The Volcano Nachos clocked in at a hefty $3.70, nearly a buck more than the venerable Belgrande. The layout is similar, but there are a few differences. The cheese is a spicy variation from the normal stuff, and actually, it really is spicy. This surprised me because all the other times they said something was spicy, such as their “hot” and “fire” sauces, it was completely untrue. I could guzzle the Fire sauce through a beer bong without any trouble. “Officer, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why I’m naked from the waist down and shooting a half a quart of taco bell fire sauce through a beer bong…”

Volcano nachos also come with a minor allotment of sliced jalapeno peppers, but they didn’t taste particularly spicy to me. Still, I love the flavor of pickled jalapenos. The only problem here is there weren’t nearly enough so I cracked open my own stash and added some more.

Last and worst, the Volcanos came with these red tortilla strip things. These didn’t seem to have any purpose I could discern except to perhaps create the illusion of a more differentiated product from the Belgrande and justify the higher price. But c’mon – I wouldn’t rate the intelligence of the average Taco Bell customer in the “likely to design rockets” category, but they aren’t so dumb they won’t figure out you just took plain old chips and added some red dye number 5. They’re just filler, and reflect laziness on Taco Bell’s part. .

If the Volcanos cost the same as the Belgrande, I’d give them 3.5 stars. They taste fine, but the only notably tangible addition is the jalapenos, and that’s not worth an added buck in price. Yes, the cheese is hotter, but as far as I’m concerned I should never have to pay for heat in Mexican food, even when it’s quasi-mexican like at the Bell. It’s ridiculous. I’d demand my money back. “Yes officer, he was pounding on the doors at 2 AM and yelling loudly that he shouldn’t have to pay extra for spicy food, and he was naked from the waist down and holding a beer bong.”

My advice: stick with the Belgrande.

Taco Bell Volcano Nachos (2.5 stars out of 5)
Price: Too much, around $3.70.

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